Sometimes I get so sad and lonely that I can't stand it. The tension in my neck builds up till I want to scream out! Only I don't scream out. Violence is not in my nature. In fact, I've never even been in a fight. No, I don't scream. Actually, I don't even really cry to release the tension. When the tension builds and I feel as though my mind is cut off from the rest of the world, I would much rather just lay down and not think about anything. Just let my mind fade out.
Only my mind doesn't fade out. It's constantly active. My brain is always thinking. At times it can be really annoying. And when I'm not thinking, I'm feeling. Alot of the time I feel normal, but frequently I feel extraordinarily happy. For instance, earlier today I was walking with a girl back to the dorms, and she commented on the way I was bouncing while I was walking. I was in such a great mood that I was bouncing along like a regular goof ball. And normally a comment like that would bother me, but not today. Today I accepted it as a compliment and continued a casual conversation with her, however awkward.
Because I always feel a degree of awkwardness when I am around people. I am such a weirdo. I really want to see inside other people's minds, because I want to know if everyone else feels so awkward and irritable as I do. Everyone seems happy and normal, but something deep inside tells me its all an act. Everyone is just as weird as me! I swear, sometimes I think I must be crazy.
Yes, there are times when I'm so happy I want to yell at the top of my lungs, in joy. But, naturally, I don't yell out. It's not really in my nature. I really don't like to express my emotions all that much. Mostly because you never know how people will react to you. And also because you can never tell what your emotions betray about yourself; a smart person can really learn alot about you if they observe your emotions. They can learn too much. In fact I don't like people knowing all that much about me. And if they do know anything about me, I prefer it address my weaknesses as a human being. So as we won't have a relationship based on some false pretense. Because anyone can put on a false image, but if you show your weaknesses, then rest assured it is not a false front.
Even if I could impress a false idiom of myself upon another person, it wouldn't last long. I'm a terrible liar. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Or at least I feel that my heart is on my sleeve. But in fact, I am rather cold and emotionless. But don't get me wrong! I am emotional. I am a normal person! Just the other day, I went out to eat with five other people. And I wasn't a bit awkward! Imagine that, me sitting and eating with five normal people. I tried not to shift my eyes around too much, or too look enthusiastic. But I also didn't want to seem disinterested. It was a precarious balance, but in the end I played the perfect part, I swear!