billylakid (billylakid) wrote in add_me,

I fall in love too easily

Even before I realize that I has fallen in love , opp, I did it again. But the worst of it is that he doesn't even know who I am. Every time I fall in love, the ones involved all happen to be some kind of strangers or someone I met by accident. I didn't know any of these boys before, however, I just fall in love, too soon to realize that, too fast to even capture the changes in my heart.
This time, the "he" is a jazz dancer who teaches in a gym I go to. At first, I kinda hate him cos he looked sissy, too sexy for a boy. It's strange that the more I hate him, the more I can't stop talking about how I hate him. The end is , I can't stop talking about him. I found myself ,all of a sudden, start to miss him somehow. Then I know it happens again, old story. Every time I hate a boy, I end up falling in love with him. I know myself too well, which is a mask to obscure my true feelings. I'm one of those who hardly reveal my thoughts, even to myself. So in order to hide it from everybody_including myself, I lied to my heart that I SHOULD hate him. I hate him, yes, I do, I can't and won't love this guy. When things are getting worse, I find it so hard to stop missing him. Circle again....
His name is Niki, and he's really slim, sexy, too. I love the way he dances and moves his own body to the rhythm of song. He's a real fan of Britney, and for him, I, for the very first time, listen to Britney's songs again and again all night long. I don't even dare to tell anyone I listen to Britney, and my friends will never believe that. They'd be dead to admit I would actually listen to Brit. But... okay... for him, I did. When I'm listening to those songs, I imagine he's listening as well. So, in some part, to some extent, we are connected.
I'm such a stupid and silly person... I don't have the brave to speak up my love, so I just hide it up, looking for some self-fancied satisfaction in my own corner. After a long long struggles, I 'm back to peace, forcing myself to forget him, and to rip his voice, smile, words from my memory. Then, I unloaded myself, and set off again.
Maybe that's why I can never find a true lover.
I'm too scared to talk about love, and I'm too scared to let others into my world, understanding my mind. The thing is, even tho I love you crazily, I will never let you know. Hiding up is great and suitable for me , cos I have no worry to be turned down or refused. I just, simply love him. This feeling of love only belongs to me, and it can only die in my heart of grave. Even he is not allowed to know that.
The same happens not only to love, but also to hate and hurts. I hide my scars away, I hide anything that is threatened to reveal who I am. I wear too many masks that I grow serious addicted to them. Without these masks, I would die cos my nightmare, as always, is being naked, unarmed.
I'm out of security, and I don't even believe myself cos I'm still a human being, whom cannot be trusted. It's a twisted theory.
I'm a creep, and I need some love. For the first time, I finally say it out loud...(juz becos there's no one knows me in here)

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